Egypt
It has been a while now, and I feel so confused. Not about a certain thing in particular but a mood of confusion. I wake up, sleep, chat, eat and do everything mindlessly. It is becoming harder and harder to wake up! like my head has been inside a giant ringing bell! Even when I sit to write I feel so distracted. All things that I don’t get to do I daydream. Obviously I am being suppressed by my circumstances and surrounding. Cairo is the most demonic place on earth, seriously. Egypt is nothing but a big senseless joke! It’s nothing but a big prison and a trap to all kinds of talent. It’s a land of slavery to everything good and natural. Justice, religion, society and even business is nothing but a big scheme. I watched all talents who left for other countries and returned very successful. Killing potential is a hobby for the chair owners. Egypt has been as ever, the pharaohs were considered the sons of the gods! and even died to join the gods, untouchables and ever right! Everybody else is a worthless slave unless the pharaoh wants him to be honored. When pharaohs died they were buried with their officials by their side, yes, killed. Egypt was always a fantasy land for all who seek godhood! Egyptians are worthless, numerous as insects and replaceable as grass.
Though it’s a cheap country compared to many others yet it’s hard to earn enough to feed myself. Though our currency is no where on the charts but I can’t still afford to maintain a roof over my head. How can I succeed while I can hardly survive? No one cares about you in Egypt, the government treats us as an over populated burden that they want to get rid of in a way or another. Building their fucking pyramids, piling up gold and treasures, sucking our blood for a juice! May all of them rot in hell and spend eternity in hades!
And through all this I struggle to rise, fight to be and strive to survive. My greatest victory is to succeed, my revenge is to escape their grasp, my true triumph is when they start bragging that I was an Egyptian. I don’t really care for Egypt no more, her nakedness is much uglier than anything I have ever seen. Perverted ignorant country! May you burn in hell!
To Hideous Cairo
Dear Cairo,
You turned to be nothing but a ditch of filth in the middle of a miserable river. You are nothing but a bringer of death and disease to a nation of pathetic passives who have nothing in mind other than their false hopes and drunken dreams! The are good enough for you but you will never be good enough for them. The only ones you are nurturing are roaches and rats and even those are looking for a path out of your sewers. I wish I was a general! I would have razed you off the map and wiped off your traces from the land. I would have scattered your people and annihilated all your filthy animals. You are so desperate you can hardly devour your food. You never long for rain to cleanse you for rain that falls upon you is acid and dirt. You hopeless city, I will no longer linger in your jammed roads or your choking streets. I will pack my clothes and flee your misery. You are a shame and a disgrace to humanity and definitely the guilt of Egypt. You are the result of all their failures but I wont stay to be the result of your incompetence. I hope I never see you again you dead wretched witch.
Living with parents and facts of depression.
Apparently I live with my parents and apparently I am not happy about it. I’m 30 years now and expecting to be 31 after couple of months and the fact that I still live with my family bugs me. Not just that I haven’t achieved my financial independence, but also the fact that they add on more emotional burdens on me by not believing in what I do. No understanding whatsoever of my work and not the nature of it. They have their own worry list and not working for a while is a strong trigger for them worries. I don’t think I am in a time of my life where I need someone to worry about me or my life as much as I need someone to believe in me and trust me. Whatever, all of this adds up to the pressure I am in. Recently I have reached the phase of “Numbana” nothing really feels. All I do is engage my mind into endless calculations till I am so weary to open my eyes and read. Doesn’t really matter any more, I feel sick.
That absurd choice (1)
Today, I felt that sweet soft current. A slow but steady flowing deep stream of endless energy, yet so tender as silk and cotton. It washed my skin and healed my burnt skin. I closed my eyes and lost control over my worn out muscles. I was washed away by it’s cleansing water of hope. Where am I flowing to? I have become a part of this current. I don’t know anything but I feel a lot of things within my heart. My mind is senseless and my skin has surrendered. The winds of Life lift my feathers to a destiny and a destination. Blowing into such direction by the One who made all things. I learnt to let go. When I lost my grip over the land, I was lifted. and when I untied the ropes, my ship floated away from that harbor. It’s amazing how life goes. one has to let go before he gets and loose before he wins. Who dares live with such faith? Who dares to follow his hope? Who wants that share in the Kingdom that now is nowhere!? Will you leave what you have for something you can’t see just because you heard it’s the best that could ever be? Would you even leave such humane materialistic wise choice for one that sounds so absurd? heh? Would you?
The moon triggered me
I have never seen the moon this beautiful before. Though incomplete yet I stare at it’s amazing beauty, its solitude, it’s silence. Through a little opening in my window I was touched by its soothing light, I was thinking how much I needed a woman’s hug, her warmth and care. After all life’s disappointments I look for a place to rest my head and feel I am taken care of. A woman I could trust with my life. My mind stops me, while my heart pushes me. I know times, and appointments, I know patience, trained for long years. Now the moon is gone again, leaving it’s image in this dream in my head and some scattered words on the internet. I wish I could sleep again, dream again, rest again and die again.
Shooting at Sharm
It’s been a week now here, shooting with a new crew and cast. It’s a casino, with a lot of half naked girls. A lot of proud actors and malicious filmmakers, a few are good in heart though. I am so tired, had some serious food poisoning along with many other crew members, cast and extras. My feet hurt so bad, sore and worn out. Bad shoes, bad pain, fortunately enough I will get paid tonight and tomorrow I will get me some shoes and a jacket.
Emotionally I am so worn out, my heart is pierced with a pike. I feel as if I don’t feel anything at all. Numb. It’s just normal for a guy like me. I always feel so and it’s no surprise I guess I am used to it. Sometimes I feel that I will never get married or have a wife. My heart is a frozen piece of meat, even when it beats, it’s just sustaining my body. Dead is me. Dying was my life. I am sick of people, I spend hours alone. Solitude is pleasure, my only friend is God. I don’t put my hope on anyone because everyone I loved broke my heart someday in a way or another. Some cut me deep some scratched my wounds. What’s the difference? They are a factor to keep me bleeding.
Draft thoughts
Years, I spent wandering in this puzzling, wondering what’s the rule or the law that binds it all together. Looking for the one in a million million instance when all those rules break apart where supernatural things happen. What’s love? And what’s life? Are we meant to live a random life where love and marriage is just another trick or treat? Is love a feeling or a meaning or a motive? Is love a spiritual gift or is it just another satisfaction of needs and habits? In this life, are we all meant to be heroes? Or just some anonymous background roles. Do others exist or is it just me?
For a while now I have been separated from my senses, I do what I hate and forget what I need, to live. All my words make perfect sense if one knows the clew. and the Clew is always in time and place. My hand pulses as my nerves are over stressed. I want to hide somewhere where it’s quiet. Solitude is a warm blessing sometimes in a busy demanding life.
It’s been couple of days, didn’t talk with God for a while, something in me is not alright. Maybe because of the now career I have begun. Starting over when I am almost Thirty! Will I make it somewhere? Will I see the vision fulfilled?
Job Search
Today I went online to do some job hunting. Visited couple of well known websites, did my thing and the search results came with an absolute Zero results! Tried different key words, different ways.. Nothing! Later on I started to realize that I might not ever find a job this way, at least not in Egypt or the middle east. It is very frustrating, really. It seems like being a Filmmaker and a Director is not easy at all. I have see no hope, but yes, I still have Faith.
Status Functional
Stress Stress Stress, dead lines, running, not much time not much energy, Over loaded schedule! too tired, can’t find some sleep. Subway sometimes is so tricky, i end up taking the wrong trains a lot of time, thought each of them is significantly marked! it seems like my mind is stuck somewhere else, don’t know. Sleepless, seeking rest, mindless seeking an idea. what have I become? just another slot machine, put some food and water, press a button and it’s on the run again. Yet I feel, couple of days ago i thought I was numb, but actually I am not, I am burdened to the extent that I no longer know what I am doing no more. I don’t, I Function! That’s ALL.
Stripped
Been a long long day, the final thing we had was an open audition. I watched a dozen talents perform, but only a few left a mark. It was a new experience to me, learnt a lot. Most of all I realized I had an eye for a director, I might not have discovered a talent, but at least I discovered myself. One of the comments that made me reach that realization was a comment made by one of the instructors that an actual director would know a talented actor from a non talented one in seconds. Amazingly I could read the talents the first couple of seconds they started acting! even if that first performance wasn’t up to standard. I could see the fear in them, I could see the trapped talent too. It was great. But I am so tired.
Emotionally I am so exhausted, I don’t know what I feel any more. I became so independent since I came here, loneliness doesn’t hurt me any more. I don’t feel love or hate. The only thing I feel is hunger and exhaustion, heh! crazy. I feel I am stripped out of my human feelings, like a lion bread for war, you will have to rip him into pieces before he gives in. What heart am I? What kind of man am I? What have I become? A monster, a beast, skinned alive and yet feels nothing. What do I do?? I only leave a question knowing that I might not find the answer, maybe never. I don’t know.
Another Day
Another Day in New York, The weather is so changing, you cannot predict what tomorrow will bring. Went shooting yesterday with my team. we finished ahead of schedule, good. Today we got a lot of things to do too.. editing, directing and stuff. Tired. Guys here are so worried about the final project, well we should be anyway. I keep avoiding the thought of it. Anyway, It seems pretty engaging yet exhausting. After all that’s what I expected anyway, I am not disappointed. That’s good. I have to get going now, Got some Directing Craft session.
Kareem
